a few post-graduation thoughts

This would be my final semester of college, but I went ahead and finished that up a few months ago. During the past several months, I've thought about whether or not I would rather be in school this spring. Do I miss classes? Yes. Do I miss learning in that academic type of setting? Sure. Do I enjoy the time free from stressing over projects and papers? Definitely. Do I enjoy being able to choose what I read? Yup. Have I found myself lonely or stagnating? Nope.

It's just different, that's all. Working instead of going to classes is an adjustment. Having rent and bills to be responsible for is new. Not knowing what I'll be doing in the fall is both daunting and reassuring, in a way. This transition from college to post-college time isn't going to be completely comfortable, and I've experienced my own freak-outs along the way. But it's interesting, really, getting to live life outside of the academic framing (though I do miss it and look forward to being back in its warm, cradling arms once again).

But here are some really great things about not being in school anymore:

- weekends: these can now be dedicated to spending time with others or to pursuits of my choosing without having to figure out when to complete a paper or study for a test
- learning: it continues! It's been neat to see that my love of learning and my desire to continue to stretch myself didn't die when the classes ended. Instead, I'm able to focus my attention on learning about things specific to my interests, like food ethics, writing, and literature
- sleep: I get a lot more sleep now (though I was never one to deprive myself of this too much during college), and I can't remember the last time I woke up at 5 a.m. to finish a paper
- memory: I can remember what I did in an entire day! Before, I would come to the end of the night and not be able to remember what I had for breakfast, what I did after lunch, etc. My schedule was so crammed full of things that my mind couldn't keep up with it all. Note: this plays into the "sleep" factor--it's much easier to calm my mind at night and I no longer lose sleep because of my racing thoughts
- food: I have enough time to cook and eat normal meals now. Meals consisting of cheeze-its and an apple have desisted
- people: I'm able to concentrate on people and on enjoying my time with them a lot more now. In fact, spending time with others has become a staple in my day-to-day life and it's refreshing to be able to enjoy that time without worrying about other responsibilities

There are a lot of other things, too, but as I was writing this list and reflecting on things, I began to wonder how much of these changes are more of a reflection of a poor handling of myself and my time while I was in college. I wonder about the degree to which I allowed myself to be ruled by busyness and accomplishments.

I'm grateful for this time now, though. I'm grateful for a time of rest. I'm thankful for a time to reflect on my college experience. And I'm glad to have the chance to evaluate my modes of being in and out of school so as to better prepare myself for when I enter back into that environment.

a lenten exercise in awareness.

I'm sitting at my desk at work feeling slightly nauseous and as though my eyes and mind can't focus on anything. It may be from the combination of yogurt and salsa I had for lunch, but I think the root of this feeling comes from over-stimulation and an inability to focus. (I suppose "inability" isn't the correct word. I have the ability. It's more of a problem with self-discipline and control.) I write about this feeling often, and I love to read and write and talk about the phenomenon of distractedness that occurs within our over-saturated society. But for all I have read about this and for all I think about my own use of social media, my actions more often reflect societal norms rather than the ideals to which I want to make myself adhere.

I realize this many times a day--my thoughts are flying everywhere and my attention is scattered amongst five, six, seven different things. And when I realize this, I decide that what I need to do is take a moment to re-center. More than that, though (and I touched on this in my previous post), I'm interested in making lifestyle changes to bolster my decision to not multi-task to the point of overwhelming my mind and spirit.

I decided that for lent (which begins next Wednesday) I'm going to practice the spiritual discipline in simplicity as it pertains to time. Specifically, I'm going to try and live my life through the lens of single-mindedness. Rather than allowing myself to be swept away by the waves of information that are constantly approaching me, I am going to choose to live slowly, purposefully. I think there are benefits of different sorts that can come from such a practice. One thing in which I am specifically interested, though, is thinking about time and my placement within time. Learning to exist within time as the original agent of movement rather than being an object upon which time is subjected interests me. Rather than feeling as if my life and actions are dictates or confined by time, I am interested to see how my views of time can be altered. Rather than trying to manipulate my time so as to achieve more of what I believe I should be attaining, I will try and live simply within the time I am given. This quote by Kathleen Norris, author of several books on Benedictine Monasticism and living purposefully, expresses an alternate view of time, one which I would like to learn to embody:

"In our culture, time can seem like an enemy; it chews us up
and spits us out with appalling ease. But the monastic perspective welcomes
times as a gift from God, and seeks to put it to good use rather than allowing
us to be used up by it. The Benedictines, more than any other people I know,
insist that there is time in each day for prayer, for work, for study, and for
play. Liturgical time is essentially poetic time, oriented toward process rather
than productivity, willing to wait attentively in stillness rather than always
pushing to 'get the job done.'"

The key, I believe, is this orientation toward process rather than holding an obsession with productivity. In a deeper sense, I am interested in examining why it is that I am prone to allow myself to be distracted constantly. When I look at society as a whole, I wonder what it is that we are searching for, what is it that is being fulfilled (or what is it we're hoping will be fulfilled) by all this information and activity? Are we distracting ourselves? Is that a bad thing? Are we filling silences?

But before I can continue thinking about these questions on a large-scale, I think I need to examine myself. It's easy to look at those surrounding me, and of course, I need to understand my socialization and the trends of society that have played a large part in shaping my habits. But examining my own motives is the key to awareness and change. So let me ask the above questions of myself: what am I hoping to fulfill through my effort to always be active? What am I training my brain to do and to expect? I've read enough research that I understand a bit of the science behind stimulation, gratification, and the interplay between the mind and the internet. And I can understand that I am not above that whole shebang. But beyond the obvious gratifications, what are the deeper catalysts that are propelling me toward busyness and distraction?

Thus begins my preparation for this lenten exercise.