for the love of fear

This past week and a half has been full of things. I’ve gone to so many different events and have seen a plethora of people, and the next few weeks are full of more of the same. There was a Goo Goo Dolls concert in Youngstown; a film fest at Malone University; a production of Les Miserables in Cleveland; birthday dinners (four, all for the same person); and soon there will be wedding showers, bachelorette parties, Easter services, graduation parties and dinners and ceremonies, and quite a few other things thrown into my days, as well. And these are all great things! I’m glad I’m able to enjoy time spent with friends, and I’m thankful I’m able to celebrate and participate in these things with others. It’s refreshing, after the dullness of winter, to take part in the awakening nature that is representative of spring.

Even though I know what’s going on in my life, relatively, for the next few weeks, there is coming a point in the near future where I’m really not going to know what “the plan” is. I don’t know where I’ll be in a month and a half, much less three or seven or eleven.

This freaks me out 97% of the time.

I was talking with a dear friend last night about issues with control and stability and fears, and he was saying to me that he’s finding even some of his admirable goals are driven by fears. I was able to relate with all he was saying, but his words have been making me think more closely about my choices for my life and what the predominant driving force is behind those choices, both the big and small ones (though let it be noted that I believe every choice and movement is consequential; nothing is ever void of impact).

I’m really good at asking the detail questions and about thinking through scenarios, but I usually take it too far. And that’s what I’ve been doing for the past few months. I’ve been hyper-controlling everything I can and trying to do the same with the things I really can’t control. And what I’m realizing is that I’m incredibly insecure and fearful. Beneath my desire for stability and order is fear. Beneath my desire to stay near those I love is fear. Not love.

It’s really strange to look at my life and see how many things are products of fear. And it’s difficult to think about ways to change. I keep returning to the idea of being present in the moment—not projecting into the future. And even though I’m saddened by what I can see in my life and in my motives, I’m also encouraged because I don’t believe anyone is ever stuck in any way of being. And I’m encouraged because there are so many redeemable things and relationships in my life, despite my fears and motivations—that grace is beautiful. So I just keep chanting to myself to take baby steps toward letting go of control and voicing the truth behind my motives and decisions, and I am trying my best to enjoy these times I’m getting to spend with my friends not because I’m afraid of losing them or our closeness, but because I love them. It makes a difference.